When I was 22, I met the woman who would eventually become my wife on Tinder. Not to sound shallow, but the main thing I noticed was how beautiful she was. I thought she was way out of my league.
Our first date was at a small Asian fusion place, and over a ridiculously large mountain of fried rice, we talked about each other’s interests. I could immediately tell that, at just 22 years old, she was a very deep and emotionally mature person, and that really struck me.
After dinner, we went to a movie, but we hardly paid attention to it. We just sat in the very back of the theater and continued talking. I held her hand, and my palm was sweaty because I was so nervous.
She was, too, but not just because she liked me back. The stakes were higher for her. Throughout the date, she stayed in constant contact with her mom, who was worried. I can only imagine the fear a mother has putting her daughter in the hands of a stranger — even more so when she’s trans, and you hear on the news how tragically some of those dates end up. She mentioned she was trans in her bio, so I knew that before we even matched. I didn’t think much of it — she was still out of my league.
After the movie, I dropped her off at her house. I wanted to kiss her so bad, but I didn’t want to put her in an uncomfortable position, plus I was nervous as hell. She must’ve been able to tell — I was probably looking at her like a lovestruck moron — and she kissed me. Sparks flew in that moment. I felt like I was on a cosmic roller coaster, and all I knew was that I never wanted to get off.
I had no reservations about dating a trans woman, but I’d be lying if I said I’d always thought that way. Growing up as a straight dude in Texas, I didn’t know any trans people. They were just the butt of jokes between me and my friends. When you’re a teenager and just trying to fit in, it’s easy to find yourself sharing thoughts and opinions you might not have on your own. College changed my perspective on the world, so by the time I met my wife, I’d grown up and learned a lot of empathy.
“She deserved someone who wanted to be with her unapologetically, and I was determined to be that person for her.”
After we’d been dating for about two months, I told my twin and our older brother. It took some courage since I really looked up to them. My older brother took it well, but my twin cried, and that hurt me. He said he cried because he knew how difficult things were going to be for us. I know deep down he has his reservations about my relationship, but he loves me and respects me enough to not say anything.
When I told my mom, she was initially pretty supportive. But that facade slipped after a few months once she realized it wasn’t a fling. She told my grandparents, who I was living with at the time. I felt really betrayed because I wasn’t ready to tell anyone outside my immediate family, and I felt like that opportunity was taken from me. My relationship with my mom was really rocky for the next three years, but now we’ve found some peace.
As for my grandparents, they are very Christian and conservative, so they didn’t accept my relationship at first. But I stood my ground and held firm in my beliefs that I wasn’t doing anything wrong — I was just dating someone. Now, my grandma thinks my wife is an amazing and great person, but she says her faith prevents her from ever accepting her as a woman. In truth, there are things about my grandmother and her beliefs that I will never accept, either. We just try to be respectful, and our relationship is as healthy as it can be.
Every other person my wife had dated before me kept her and her identity a secret. I don’t think any woman should be made to feel that way. I knew early on that she deserved someone who wanted to be with her unapologetically, and I was determined to be that person for her. Her identity as a trans woman is a beautiful thing, but it’s not the defining thing in our relationship. I fell in love with who she is as a person — her intelligence, her kindness, and her passion for life.
After dating for four and a half years, I knew she was the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I proposed, and we got married at the local courthouse. If we’d had a big, traditional wedding, chances are most of my family wouldn’t have come, and a lot of her family lived far away. Besides, we were happy just having a small celebration on our own.
Now, we’ve been together for six years, and my wife is my best friend more than anything else. I’ve never questioned my sexuality since being with her. Actually, I think our relationship has helped me truly understand where I’m at on the sexual spectrum. I’ve never felt that being with a trans woman made me gay because I’ve always viewed my wife as a woman, and I’ve learned that femininity is what I’m actually attracted to. A simple kiss from her or a certain thought of her that lingers too long is enough to — well, you know.
“We are the actions we take, things we love, quirks we have, and our bodies are just beautiful vessels…”
To me, she is extremely beautiful, but we all have our insecurities. She would like to get certain surgeries done, but she also doesn’t believe you need a procedure to be a woman, and neither do I. I know there are some trans elitists out there who do think that, and that’s fine, but we don’t.
We are the actions we take, things we love, quirks we have, and our bodies are just beautiful vessels all those things are stuffed into. Trans women have the same dreams and feelings as everyone else. That’s what I want other guys to know. They are not for you to “try” or to “experiment” with, and they are not a secret to be kept by you.
It’s important for people to remember that trans women have so much going on a daily basis, dealing with a world that struggles to offer them basic human dignity — on top of the normal, everyday problems we all deal with. Not every date leads to a relationship, and that’s okay, but guys really shouldn’t play around with their feelings. The only real advice that I have is to treat them the way you should treat any woman, honestly, because they are women. It’s that simple.
I’ve never met another man married to a trans woman, but I’d like to. Living in Texas, it still feels like my wife and I are on a little island all by ourselves. It can be scary just existing as a couple out in the world, but I’ve found community online. Recently, I stumbled upon the Straight Trans Girls subreddit and learned so much from everyone sharing their experiences that I decided to share my own. I didn’t know if the moderators would allow a post from a straight man married to a trans woman, or if any of the women on the subreddit wanted to hear from me, but I posted an AMA and was blown away by the response. All I wanted to do was share my perspective, and all I can do is speak for myself and my relationship.
But, if I may, here is my hope for trans women: I hope you don’t settle for someone who chases or hides you. You’re worth more than that, and I think it’s the ultimate green flag to be with a man who will give you and your identity the respect it deserves. I try to be that person — for my wife and for myself — every day.
This essay was adapted in partnership with the author from a Reddit AMA on the subreddit r/StraightTransGirls.
