If you grew up thinking sex was as simple as sticking your penis in, pumping a few times, and miraculously bringing both you and your partner to orgasm in a matter of seconds — you’re wrong. But also, it’s not totally your fault. Many men primarily learn about sex from porn, says Rufus Spann, PhD, a sex therapist and founder of Libido Health, which tends to skimp on foreplay, or skip over it entirely.
But foreplay is important because it prepares people mentally, emotionally, and physically for the main sexual experience, he explains. On a physical level, foreplay usually causes increased blood flow to the penis, resulting in an erection. It also increases blood flow to the vagina, and especially the clitoris, increasing pleasure, lubrication, and sensitivity. Meanwhile, on a mental level, foreplay gets the brain excited, releasing feel-good chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin. And on the all-important emotional level, it allows you and your partner to build up a sense of connection and intimacy, says Spann.
Now, it’s important to note that the word “foreplay” is actually kind of a misnomer, because it implies whatever comes next — if anything — is somehow better. “If we can move away from the idea that foreplay is the appetizer before penetrative sex, it widens its definition and becomes a lot more pleasurable for everyone involved,” says Rachel Wright, LMFT, a sex and relationships therapist in New York. Essentially, you should think of foreplay as less of a “before” activity, and more of an integral addition to mind-blowing hookups, no matter the type of sex you’re having.
After all, for many women and people with vulvas, foreplay is actually the main event. Only 18 percent of women can orgasm from intercourse alone, per a 2018 study. For nearly 37 percent of women, clitoral stimulation is necessary to climax during sex, and another 36 percent say that, while clitoral stimulation might not be necessary, their orgasms feel better when it’s part of the process.
And you know what stimulates the clitoris? The sexual acts that typically fall under the “foreplay” category, like fingering and oral sex. In fact, they’re part of what’s called the “golden quartet of orgasm” — four sexual behaviors that are the strongest predictors of women’s orgasms. The biggest predictor was manual stimulation of the genitals, followed by using a sex toy, then receiving oral sex, and finally, deep kissing.
Notice how penetrative sex didn’t make the cut? Foreplay is really moreplay. Here’s how to make the most of it.
The Best Foreplay Tips
Whether you’re easing into intercourse, preparing for anal sex, or just want to enhance the hookups you’re having, these expert-recommended foreplay tips will help turn every encounter into one worth remembering.
1. Rethink Your Definition of “Foreplay”
Here’s the thing about being “good in bed” — it’s about so much more than what you do in bed. “Foreplay starts the minute your last sexual encounter ends,” says Nicolle Dirksen, LPC, a sex and couples therapist in Minneapolis, Minnesota. “This means we have to shift the way we think about foreplay. It’s not just some kissing and touching in bed for the few minutes leading up to penetration. It’s all of the flirting, stolen kisses, and booty pats in between.”
2. Sext Throughout the Day
You don’t even have to be in the same room to start foreplay. Sending a little text like “Can’t wait to get naked with you tonight” builds anticipation, says Spann, which consequently builds arousal. If sending nudes turns you and your partner on, go ahead and swap sexy pics.
Instead of thinking about your daily to-do list, you start thinking about what you want to do with your partner. “The body has to be willing and ready for sex, and the way the body gets there is by the mind,” Spann says. “The anticipation gets us there.” Once you’re in a sexy state of mind, it’s easier to transition into the physical parts of foreplay.
3. Clean Up Your Space
Having an untidy place — whether that’s your house, bedroom, or car — can put a real damper on the sexual experience. “Make sure your place is clean,” says Spann. “The smell, the vibe… if we’re thinking about what makes somebody comfortable in an environment, that is important.” Comfort leads to relaxation, which leads to arousal.
Your space doesn’t have to be spotless, but get rid of anything obviously unpleasant. Put dirty clothes in the hamper, wash your dishes, and throw away any trash.
“Sometimes, sex is sporadic, and we don’t have time for all of that,” Spann says. “But if you’re able to prepare for someone to come over, make sure the environment is welcoming.” Pro tip: If you’re going out with the hopes of bringing someone back to yours, spend 10 minutes sprucing up your place before you leave. No matter how you end your night, at least you’ll be coming home to a clean room.
4. Eliminate Distractions
As you’re tidying up, remove any additional distractions that might take away from the sexual experience. “When we’re distracted, our brake system gets activated, which shuts off our ability to get turned on,” says Wright. “When we remove distractions as best we can, we eliminate factors that could stop us from getting turned on, which is the primary point of foreplay.”
Silence your notifications, turn off the TV, and put away any work so the mood isn’t broken by a pinging text or an ill-timed commercial.
5. Play Some Music
Selecting the right music can make or break just about any situation, and foreplay is no exception. Throwing on some tunes can help drown out background distractions and keep the momentum going. Music can also help your space feel welcoming and create a relaxing vibe, says Spann.
Not sure if your partner wants a soundtrack? Just ask. A casual question like “You okay if I play some music?” is a clear but simple way to show you care about your partner feeling comfortable, says Spann. You can also suggest music if it helps you feel more at ease in their space.
While you generally can’t go wrong with some classic ’90s R&B, the best genre ultimately comes down to what you and your partner both enjoy. Let that be part of the conversation too.
